- when things as a researcher hit a little too close to home
In week 2 of our Digital Citizenship course, the topic was digital communication & etiquette. I didn't have any real idea what that meant, but I'm a super nerd who loves learning, so I was excited as usual to jump into something new.
But from the introductory paragraph, my heart sank. I opened our first resource, The Core Rules of Netiquette (written by Virginia Shea in 1994), and a feeling of dread crept over me as I started to pick out key terms and concepts: polite, respect, courtesy, professional, rude, appropriate, etiquette, golden rule, grammar, "proper" English...
No... please... please don't make me talk about this.
What? How can somebody who has declared that they love technology and believe deeply in its power for building connection & greater understanding not want to talk about such an important part of what holds these beautiful digital spaces together?
How can I claim I am trying my best as an ally to live by the Inuit Qaujimajatuqangit principles, all of which speak of care, connection and relationality when I would rather be punched straight in the face than engage with my colleagues on this topic?
I'm autistic.
The short version: any autistic person I have met personally or experienced online has shared experiences of being made fun of/treated poorly their whole lives for a laundry list of social faux pas that often we don’t even understand we’re making.
As neurodivergent humans, our brains process information and experience the world fundamentally differently than the majority of people. Many social norms and "rules" of etiquette are simply not intuitive to us - based on the different way our brains are wired. And it's not like this is a social deficit that we can overcome with enough help, as Barry Prizant explains in his groundbreaking book from 2019, Uniquely Human: A different way of seeing autism...
Autism is like having a
different first language
for social interactions.
Because rules and norms are in the "first language" of neurotypical people, autistics are constantly "getting it wrong" when it comes to etiquette and communication, despite our best efforts to be polite, caring, kind, respectful or appropriate towards others.
So to be in a course with strangers and have the topic of your disability come up in week 2, in a way that frames your legitimate struggles as poor/unprofessional/rude/unintelligent/
annoying/wrong behaviour... I felt frozen.
Eventually I ended up writing the following letter to my professor when it became clear I could not navigate this situation on my own:
I am thankful Diane was so supportive and gave me the time I needed to process this difficult emotional experience, and then take my time deciding what, if anything I felt comfortable sharing. This was not an easy experience, but in trying to process it I found a new area of research I am fascinated by, began to make connections to other parts of my work that feel invaluable and gained a deeper understanding of my own feelings about navigating the new-to-me world of self-advocacy and allyship as a person with a developmental difference.
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